Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created. Jame 1:12-18
As I read this I remember how far I have come. Being devoted to God for such a long time at a young age then going astray where my life was tattered. I went down a path of silencing my pain with alcohol. It got so bad that I was filling coke can with half vodka and half coke and taking it to school to drink through the day. I was so surprised that I was able to walk, but in a school with over 3,000 students I was just a cog in a big wheel. No one ever confronted me, so to me no one knew what I was doing. My grades didn't slip, my behaviour didn't change, I was just drunk. When the day was done I would go home, crawl into bed.
Eventually I just stopped going to school. I didn't value myself as a child of God, no I was so angry with him, I wouldn't say that he was tempting me, but I felt that He had left me. I started sneaking into nightclubs and going home with men. Resulting in some very scary situations. I was going to get back at the God who left me. I was going to show Him that He was not my boss. I fell so far by the wayside and hated who I was, this resulted in my first attempt at suicide. Death was knocking at my door, and I was ready to let him in, but God was not. He was not letting him come into my home. Even though I was angry with Him, he was my protector.
Why? Why would God save me from myself? It would be many years and a final attempt on my life to realize the power that God had, and the immense amount of love He had for his creation, for me, someone who had given up on myself. He never did, I am here writing about my walk. It would take a long time for me to truly and fully forgive myself, but the trial has made me a woman I can look at in the mirror and see a precious being. I wouldn't say it was a test, but it did lead me to a faith that would strengthen me to this day.
Yours in Christ
Heather
Forgive Me - Anthony Evans https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oke67nhw7-E
Shackles - Mary Mary https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1L2lToMlB4
Burdens - Jamie Kimmett https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ulKCOSii_Y
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