I am the Queen of Isolation.
When I was younger I used isolation to keep myself safe. I would wrap myself in a world of books to not have to face the terror of living in my home. I just wanted to wrap myself in a bubble so that I wasn't noticed. My bedroom was my fortress of solitude until the darkness invaded that space and made it unsafe.
I am the Queen of Lonely.
As much as I would isolate myself to be safe, I also have moments when I am lonely. I think this is something I feel more now that I am older. My hubby works and if the kids are busy I feel the loneliness wrap around me.
I am the Queen of Isolation and Loneliness
I struggle with a chemical imbalance that produces lows in mood and body function and PTSD as diagnosed.. I ride a roller coaster of mental health and you know sometimes I just want to get off. I just want to give back my ticket and find a smoother ride. I want to be able to fight the days when the want to isolate eats the loneliness. When the thought of having to face people is too overwhelming and I want to live in my bubble. I have safe people who I love but even with them it's too much. I isolate and then I feel so lonely. It feels as if I am in a room with tons of people and no one notices that I am there. On good days that would be great. I am a conundrum, cause I have great anxiety when in crowds or having to meet new people. I don't make it easy for myself, but when your boundaries have been violated so often I guess my brain just wants to protect me.
I know though that God is here! He is holding me, loving me, and with prayer and His guiding hand, I will get off the roller coaster ride. As I write my blog I am worshipping as I do with every writing, only today He has shuffled the music to remind me that HE IS GOD, and he is here. Please, I don't normally ask for myself, please pray for me.
Psalm 25:16-21 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how numerous are my enemies and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in You. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in You.
Yours in Christ
Heather
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