This past two weeks has been a roller coaster ride in the relationship with my mother. A little background, my mother had me young. Part of her regrets that decision, and part of her doesn't. It makes for a very rocky relationship. I sometimes wonder if the choice God made is part of what makes me strong.
I have been doing a family tree, which I had mentioned in another blog, and have found some very interesting connections. In my search I was been working to reinstate my ancestors status in the world, repairing old wounds to break the circle and start anew. During this time a fact that I had long believed about myself has come to light as false. I lost my identity, an identity that I held precious to me. I know it is worldly and that my identity rests in being God's child, but I was also Gloria's grandchild. To me that was the most precious thing that I could have from my childhood. I had her name and I was part of her legacy.
Rules were much more lax in the days when I was born, changes could be made with money and a signature. Raised not knowing that the man I called Dad was really not my Dad. To have struggled with this before the truth came to light, my brother and sister have much darker skin pigmentation then I, so I always got the were you adopted question. Then I find out that was a lie. 10 years old and your parents are fighting over something you did and boom a bomb drops "She's not your child anyway!" So I had to believe that my mother had the best intentions and forgave her.
Then she fails to protect me, whether out of fear of reprisals or self preservation. I had to learn again to forgive her. My stepfather was not a nice man to anyone who was in his life, but once the secret was out I became fair game. Not being his meant he didn't have to care or protect me anymore. After many long years of soul searching, I was able to forgive and forge a new type of relationship with my mother.
Now I am faced with having to find forgiveness in my heart for her again. This time the lies that had been held in for so long had come to the surface. Not only did money and a signature change my name, but a lie that should never have been uttered and just been told the truth upon asking for it broke my heart. The name that I held so dear was erased from existence, replaced legally to forever connect me to a man who I would rather forget was part of my life. After much praying and talking to God, I know that my legacy of being Gloria's grandchild still stands. I know that the love of a mother is sometimes not as straight forward as you may understand it to be. She loves in her own way. No matter what your name is, you should not feel shame, as your earthly father is not the true Father.
Forgiveness is a hard thing. Many would tell me that I have a right not to forgive the people in my life who have done me wrong. God tells you that it is wrong to withhold forgiveness Ephesians 4:31-32 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. How can we who are not worthy of God's forgiveness which is given freely decide who in our lives are worthy of being forgiven. Once again I turn my cheek (7 times 77) for my mother. Despite all the anger and pain that I feel towards my mother, I can forgive. I want to be free not burdened by my anger and shine in my legacy name change or not, as Gloria's grandchild and God's daughter.
Your in Christ
Heather
Forgiveness - Matthew West https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMn0QNdiuGE
Forgiveness Rushes In - KXC https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZR0mDlSzM4
Forgiven - Crowder https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUiwA1JNDig
Love Knows No End - Hillsong https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMj3zgfJ7TU